I experienced T.M. as an investigation into my own nervous
system, a becoming conscious of many things...T.M. is
really a concentration into the spiritual, and it's
perhaps because of that that many people believe that they
fly...
It struck me, what they call unstressing, I would explain
it in this way, that those people suddenly concentrate
wholly on themselves in that isolation, and that then
problems start to appear.
I noticed that people needed more sleep. They obviously
had something to work out - me too, I was (always) very
tired.
I stop the subconscious from coming up....
And what concerns they have about the nervous system! Why
am I able to see at all... I came this far: Before, I
hadn't understood why they had their eyes closed, let's
suppose I sit here on my own and do nothing. I close my
eyes, because it's simply better that way. Why should I
see something...I don't want to see anything anyway! That
you control your nervous system better, psychological
functions, and that you become more selective and
because of that more aware and another person doesn't
understand that, they absorb everything with reflection.
Through the mantra you learn to concentrate on a "certain
something", if you learn at all to concentrate...
I believe that it's a sort of retreat into further layers
of consciousness, when pictures begin to appear. Why?
Because it's an earlier awareness. You could say that your
awareness becomes more childlike, more pensive...
My thinking became pictorial, everything I thought were
pictures, like a film. That you see yourself as in a
film...
I see myself going along, and I see myself doing what I
actually will do.
I saw myself as a film projector, in which there was a
film, and we could look at it like this, that the black
part was the unconscious mind and the place where the
pictures showed up, that was the conscious mind...and
during the meditation the black part separated from the
other part of the film, and I saw my whole life as a film.
Everything became known again....it is taken from the
darkness and brought into the light, and there it
stays...I think that I could use that to good advantage at
school, that the memory is somehow trained...exactly as I
take it in, I would reproduce it.
Increasing concentration of preoccupation with yourself.
An introversion, you put all of your concentration on your
nervous system, you have a preoccupation with it; it
didn't fascinate me, but it interested me. Hey, that's
really interesting and you'll have to study this. That's
going on in every person. Perception goes inwards, not
only into the body, but into the spirit... you try to
screen yourself completely off from the world, I called it
a really nice name "Desire-stop". I tried therefore to
stop desires working on me and I naturally became very
calm; the more you rid yourself of desires the more it
becomes a psychological hobby. Other people don't do it,
but it interested me, because desires play a big part in
things, and you only notice desires when you've had more
for a long time.
I saw a certain danger for my own development in having a
relationship of dependence with other people or another
person. I mean things that you have absolutely no need
for, you absorb them, they just go right into you. Things
that are uninteresting or of no importance. Why should a
person introduce things like that into himself? That's
just a pure waste of energy! A waste of the nervous
system's energy. Everything uses up energy, and why
shouldn't I save energy in my nervous system. If I now am
sitting somewhere and am looking around, without
consciously seeing anything, then I'll just close my eyes,
since there is no point, it's really just a waste of
energy...
It all started in France, the mental crisis. A life with
nature...and I tried to leave everything that was decadent
aside, including to a certain extent what was for me
spiritually decadent - thinking, thinking isn't natural.
Thinking isn't natural. I don't want to say that women
were as such an example to me, but like I've already said,
women do it much more properly than men. Women have an
instinct that is lacking in men. Man has his logical
understandings, the woman has a sort of refined feeling.
You don't have to be homosexual, I've noticed - it's all
about hormones, aggression. I could dismantle all of it, I
had everything under control. That's the man in me, that's
all the aggression, all the hormones, that's all just
complete bullshit. I got rid of all my aggression, the
natural aggression of the male, I controlled my sexual
drive or whatever you call it, when a person sees a
beautiful woman and it arouses him...I thought to myself,
that's not essentially positive. That's more a thing to do
with the unconscious, you see. And then I tried so that
everything would leave me cold and uninterested. That was
my goal, no influence from outside, because with those I'm
not free...
It was a time, in which I had an overview for the first
time of all functions and could control them really well.
That was before France. In France, you could say, that was
my downfall. That was a downfall not planned by me.
T.M. was for me a means to see for the first time that
such desires have an effect on us. I'd thought it over
beforehand, how I would explain it to them. Our psyche is
a desert, a large expanse of sand, and now there's rain
falling, that is desires. Every desire causes a reaction,
that is, if you like, our mental reaction. Let us say that
I can see that there are thousands and thousands of
desires affecting me and causing reactions in me.
Abracadabra, you are not free. I build a house with a roof
on this sand, that means, that I shield myself off from
the desires and then I make somewhere a small hole and let
only one or two drops of rain in and I examine them and
try, using those raindrops to shut off the rest. So I'm
left with a better picture, that you have to search out
certain raindrops; that you can't let everything go into
yourself, like a person with no awareness does...Before I
began T.M. I hadn't thought like that at all. I had acted
just like everyone else, without worrying. When I went to
France, there was chaos. Myself as a person with such a
finely tuned and different perception suddenly has to
think in another language. I was like a small child, who
suddenly has to start from the beginning again. And what I
had learned from myself was as if rubbed out: I was in the
role of a small child, I had to learn to speak again.
And it was because of this that my development was
suddenly ended. Because of that I got into a terrible
crisis. It was horrible. Thinking was suddenly French....I
had had my thoughts and perception so beautifully in shape
and then came another language and it destroyed
everything... (2)
The young man was at the time of the interview - still
unable to work. He is under therapeutic care and lives at
home with his parents.